That Girl in Your Head Ain’t Real…
I’ve been in a bit of a bad way friends. I’m sorry for the long absence. Kinda felt like all of me was falling apart there for a while. I wasn’t really sure who I was anymore (still aren’t). I never really rejoined the world after lockdown. I never really figured out how. An old friend of mine hiked the Appalachian Trail (twice) some years ago, and at the time I wondered what he found there. In my present state I can’t escape to the mountains I love so much, so I’ve been spending my time living vicariously through my niece at summer camp and watching videos about people who get lost on faraway mountain trails.
I’ve been feeling pretty lost, myself. I’ve been lost in my own head. Scared and confused. I couldn’t make sense of anything. Like, for several years. I’m still having issues piecing together memories of the last couple of years. It’s amazing how many things contain Benadryl, and how many crazy side effects Benadryl has! Seriously, it was being recommended for everything from my migraines to PMDD, and it’s the active ingredient in most over the counter sleep aids. Add my insomnia to all of the cat owners I’ve been hanging around for my entire life, and my brain went a bit crazy for a while. And my checked out therapist didn’t catch it. Though the behavior was entirely my own. It took me finding out the side effects from a legit doctor who is trying to keep the public informed since the government won’t (thanks Dr. Zachary Rubin, MD!) and getting a new therapist to finally start seeing results.
And it wasn’t just Benadryl. I wasn’t just whacked out by little purple allergy pills. My therapist had seriously been neglecting me. So I got a new therapist, and she’s amazing. And we’re starting to work on all of my untreated trauma and PTSD, which is scary as hell, but will hopefully allow me to have a happier life. Without PTSD flashbacks and constant dissociation and being so anxious it feels like I’m vibrating and living my whole life to make sure everyone else around me is happy while I stare longingly at the things I really want like a kid staring at a puppy in a shop window. (Oh, that doesn’t happen to everyone else? Whoops…)
And, speaking of a happier life, we moved! We finally bought a house!!! It’s the oldest, dirtiest, and most infested (like I said, it’s old) place we’ve ever lived, but it’s ours. Our neighborhood has been warm and friendly, and our neighbors are the most welcoming people.
Some may be aware of the issues we’ve had with our neighbors in the past. Neighbors who have been rude, destructive, and loud to the point of harassment. (We reported them, nothing was done.) We have nothing like that here. We love our neighbors here. They’re pretty great. For the first month we lived here the only noises we heard were the sounds of children playing soccer outside, or the occasional music outside when people were in their backyards, or fixing their cars. For some reason, for the last couple of months, there’s been an unseasonable almost icy chill throughout the neighborhood, and the kids don’t play soccer outside anymore. And there isn’t as much music. But we still love our neighbors and our neighborhood.
This place is helping us rebuild. To heal. We have a spare room so we can have guests stay if we want. We’re building a game room in the basement. (Ok, my husband is building a game room in the basement.) I’m going to make the upstairs walkable at some point. And yes, I’m documenting all of it to go up on the website, on Instagram. Am I going back to YouTube? I haven’t a fucking clue. Right now I’m still trying to get out of bed in the morning and not slip down the stairs. (That only happened ONCE….when my husband wasn’t home. SHUT UP.)
Oh, and I’m a songwriter now? Yeah, when we were in the house when I couldn’t work on projects and my brain was spinning and I couldn’t do anything I had to do something, you know? Apparently if you apply pressure to me, art spits out? (We learned this the hard way in both high school and college. One of those times was on purpose.) So that’s a thing.
And my screenplay has been found! Again! I’m very seriously considering a LoJack for that thing until I finish typing it up.
So that’s where we’re at. None of my major visual art projects - sewing, building, large scale jewelry, anything involving paint or heat - are happening until I have an office that has a visible floor. So it’s dicking around on Instagram talking about mental health and music and art and Star Wars and posting pictures of cool shit if I’ve got it. I have a whole lot of stock from my Etsy shop sitting around in a box somewhere, and once I know where all of that is I want to reopen my Etsy shop.
So, lots more to do before this cruel summer comes to an end, but primarily the following:
get the studio space finished so I can actually get back to work in it
finish the guest room space (I have a reading nook project I want to do for that.)
finish the clothes cleanout & closet build (which I might film, but will definitely photograph)
Kitchen pantry build - if I actually get to this project this year I will film it.
I’ve become a hermit, so I figure I may as well make my house a cool place to hang out. That’s how that works, right?
Cheers!
